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A BROKEN HEART KEEPS BEATING

Worth a Look
“The Barefoot Book of Heroic Children” (Barefoot Books), by Rebecca Hazell, offers assurance and inspiration to children in difficult circumstances by telling the stories of thirteen exceptional youngsters from ancient times to the present day.

South Nassau Communities Hospital’s Child and Family World Trade Center Counseling Program offers help for anyone who suffered a loss. Call
516-678-2700 or www.southnassau.org.

Newsday: Student Briefing Page ▪ June 19, 2002

Coping With Losing a Parent
Coping with Grief: A Broken Heart Keeps Beating
By Paul Wisenthal

There are many ways of grieving and coming to terms with the pain of losing a parent. Here are the stories of four young people who have struggled with the loss of their fathers, all of whom died in the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center.

“Young people see death through their own eyes, and for the children of 9/11, each one’s focus is different,” said Dr. Tom Demaria, a psychologist at South Nassau Communities Hospital in Oceanside, who runs a program for families who lost relatives in the attack.

Andrew Picarro
Andrew Picarro, 16, a sophomore at Ridge High School in Basking Ridge, N.J., said he avoided most of the memorial events at Ground Zero because they were too painful. “My dad worked as a vice president at Zurich Insurance across the street from the WTC. We knew he had a meeting with some of his major clients in Tower Two.”

After three days of scouring the city with a family friend, he gave up. “I lost sleep, had nightmares and wondered for days, ‘What if Dad did not go to his meeting at the WTC?’“ Despite the fact that his mother and brother sought counseling, Andrew felt more comfortable being with friends, particularly one, Alex Williams, who lost his own father several years ago in a construction accident.

“When Alex led a grieving group for other kids in the area at St. James Church, I was able to express my own frustration and loss.”
But, he adds, “Life can be really awful for a while.”

Today, Andrew avoids going into New York City. “The memories are too painful,” he says. Instead, he collects all printed and video materials on the WTC event. “I have become almost obsessed with this,” he said. With Father’s Day in mind, Michael pondered what he would say to his dad if he could. “We had planned to set up our own film production company after he retired,” Andrew said. “I guess I would just tell him now, ‘Thank you for everything.’

Thanbir Ahmed
On the morning of Sept. 13, 16-year-old Thanbir, then a junior at Sheepshead Bay High School in Brooklyn, awoke suddenly and stared at the ceiling. “I peered into my parent’s bedroom,” he recalls. “I knew my dad would never return. It was hard to understand the World Trade Center was my father’s grave site.”

When Thanbir returned to school “he announced that he was head of the his family,” said Sherry Satchell , his guidance counselor. With the goal of helping his family financially, he registered in an accelerated program to complete two grades in one year. He is now graduating and is registered to work toward a degree in economics at St. John’s University in September. His father, Shabbir, a Muslim from Bangladesh, migrated to the United States with his family when Thanbir was 6 months old. His father worked at Windows on the World restaurant, first as a bus boy and later a waiter on the 107th floor of Tower Two.

“It’s difficult to talk about it,” Thanbir said of his father’s death. “The most important thing for me, is to remember my dad and the things we did together. It helps with the grieving process. I was in shock for awhile. I just couldn’t believe he was gone.”

“You must cry a lot”, he counsels those who lose people close to them. “I had to do that for several days after I realized he was not coming home. I don’t think I could go on otherwise.” Asked what he would have liked to say to his father before he died, Thanbir said. “I love you. You raised me to be more than a man or person. You shaped me to become a human that reflected your morals and strong character. For that, I am truly grateful.”

Michael Cove
James Cove worked at the World Trade Center as a senior vice president at Aon Risk Management Services, an insurance company. His son, Michael, honors his father’s memory by competing after school in the Catholic Youth Organization basketball league. “My foul shot’s improved almost 100 percent since 9/11. We come from a sports family,” said the sophomore at Southside High School in Rockville Centre. “Every time I stand at the foul line, my dad comes into my head and guides the ball into the basket. He came to all my games, and loved to see me compete.”

Michael’s loss, he says, has brought him closer to his mother and brothers. “I don’t want to fill my father’s shoes. That would be impossible,” he noted, but he does worry about his family. “Since 9/11, my younger brothers fight a lot. I wish they could talk about how they feel more. I hate seeing them fight and not be able to express themselves.”

Michael recommends to anyone facing such a loss to talk to someone close -- in his case it was a priest and a school guidance counselor -- and keep doing what you love to do. “On this Father’s Day,” says Michael, “I would want to tell him that ‘I love him.’”

Elizabeth Tighe
For Elizabeth Tighe, 13, of Rockville Center, one way to deal with loss is to cloister herself in her bedroom to write personal letters to her father and to prepare a scrapbook about him. “He was my friend,” she wrote. “When I needed someone to talk to, he was always there.” She lost both her father, Stephen, and uncle, Tim O’Brien, who both worked for Cantor Fitzgerald. Elizabeth reached out to her grandmother during the first few months after 9/11. “Find a close family member and stick close to them,” she recommends.
At home, Elizabeth has taken on more adult chores, such as helping her mother care for her 16-month-old sister, Lindsay. “She will never know Dad the way I did. I want to make sure I tell her everything about him.”

If her father were around she would tell him, “I love you. I appreciate you although some times it does not show.”

Paul Wisenthal is a freelance writer.

If you wish to share your own thoughts and feelings with any of the youngsters mentioned here, send them to Student Briefing and we’ll forward them.

Here are Web sites offering resources to help parents, teachers and students deal with the Sept. 11 attacks. A couple offer opportunities to share your thoughts and feelings with others:

www.neahin.org/programs/schoolsafety/september11/index.htm: The National Education Association is asking educators to use this site to develop or identify the best lesson plans, discussion ideas and parent-child activities for use in schools. Submissions will become part of a special Sept. 11 Remembered site.

www.muslimresource.com/resource_schools.shtml: This site offers resources to aid teachers and parents in counseling Muslim children dealing with harassment along with the same Sept. 11 traumas as other students.

www.connectforkids.org/usr_doc/CopingWithGrief.htm: Connect for Kids offers several strategies for parents, teachers and community members to use to help kids work through the events Sept. 11.

www.ala.org/alsc/dealing_with_tragedy.html: The American Library Association has put together this list of Web resources and books for dealing with the aftereffects of Sept. 11.
-- Bob Suter

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